Spring cleaning part 1 - sizing & self love

I started my spring cleaning slightly early this year, and I decided to tackle what I thought would be the easiest area first – my clothes.

What I discovered is that I have 4 different clothing sizes in my wardrobe. And all of them fit me.  

Tonight, I went to a nursing colleague's book launch. My whole outfit was size 12 – skirt, top, jacket. I felt fucking fantastic. I really did. But I know that when I go to work tomorrow, it will be in a size 14 top and probably 16 pants, and it will make me feel horrible.

I had lap band surgery nearly 5 years ago now, which I’ve spoken about in a previous blog post. It was a godsend for me, and it was something I wish I had done years ago. I don’t talk about it much; I’ve lost friendships because of it and the generally negative reaction I’ve had when I’ve disclosed it isn’t worth the angst to me.

I lost a lot of weight, some of which I’ve put back on in the last year. I know this, and I know why I have. Yet I’m being told by well meaning people that I look “too comfortable” now and how fantastic I looked “before”. Great. Thanks.

Tonight: size 12



Tomorrow: size 16?

I hate that a size has such an effect on how I feel about myself, and that I let it. I thought I was over all this shit pre-op. No one likes an insecure person. Hell, I don’t like it in myself. It’s an insignificant thing to be worrying about in the grand scheme of things, I know. I refuse to resort to cutting the tags off my clothes!

 



A confession: I don't adore Ryan Gosling

What is the fascination with Ryan Gosling?

The other night, I stumbled across Blue Valentine on Foxtel, the movie he stars in with Michelle Williams. I’d seen it before. He is very good in it, as is she. But as I was watching, I started thinking about the mass appeal he seems to have with women – and wondered why he doesn’t do anything for me.

There are thousands of fan sites, tumblrs, memes, even a colouring book dedicated to Mr Gosling. Even what I consider the ‘mummy site’ Mamamia has a quite a bit of Gosling-related content – for example .

Yes he’s attractive. Yes he’s a pretty good actor, despite some of the schmaltzy movies he’s been in (The Notebook anyone?). He apparently loves children and animals and rescues people in his spare time. He seems kind of perfect.

Everyone should be drooling over him, right? I don’t know one woman who isn’t, except me. Maybe my wiring is faulty. It doesn’t really bother me; I know everyone has different tastes. But when he appeals to 99.9% and I’m in the 0.1%, I feel a little… odd.

Sympathy is for the devil

How does sympathy towards someone’s recent troubles translate to romantic interest?

Big quandary of mine at the moment. An ex (previously referred to in this blog as LAEB, the loser-arsed ex boyfriend) and I crossed paths in the course of my work, and it was something serious. I was concerned and maybe it came across as being overly kind. But that’s the kind of person I am.

Anyway, he has interpreted this as ‘I want to see you again’. It’d been a long long time since I’d seen or heard from him, and had no intention of continuing any sort of friendship for various reasons. I’ve said I’m not interested; he’s well in the past to me. But he’s a terrible listener.

I don’t want to have to be a bitch and tell him to piss off & leave me alone, just because I know what he might do. Short of ignoring texts or calls, or being dishonest and saying I’m involved with someone else, I don’t know how to solve this painlessly. And it’s starting to make me anxious.

*I am not Ramona Flowers, and I don't have 7 evil exes. 1 evil one is bad enough.