Reflection

Last day of 2011 and I am more than ready for this year to be done and dusted. I suppose it was like everyone else’s year. Lots happened, some good, some bad. Started the year off in a relationship, ended it single. Bought my own place. Lost a pet. Did some more study, had some interesting experiences at work. But overall, there were too many down times for my liking. So 2012 is going to be “the year”; time to make what I want happen.  Today’s affirmation seems kind of appropriate.

You can control your destiny; make yourself do whatever is possible, make yourself become whatever you long to be. – Orison Swett Marden

Bring it on.

Affirmations

One of the gifts I received for Christmas was this little boxed set of affirmation cards from my mother. Kind of OTT flowery & pink & 'pretty' but it is cute; there are 24 cards that you rotate through as you desire.

I've never gone in for having a daily mantra or chant or anything, but there are a small number of inspirational quotes that I like and read, sometimes daily, sometimes just whenever I need 'something'. My outlook on a lot of things in my life has been changing lately, and today's card summed it up perfectly.

"The aim of life is self-development. To realise one's nature perfectly, that is what each of us is here for." Oscar Wilde

The 'realising one's nature' reminds me a little of things Hannibal Lecter said in Silence Of The Lambs, but it is true. As much as my brain has been churning over things, I think I've been more focused on the noise rather than what it is trying to say. So now I have to learn how to tune. This could be kinda scary, but it'll be me.

A new day?

This will be my last post about HB. I've spent so much time and emotion on this person, I just don't want to waste any more. I had agonised over what I wanted to say to him when I cut the cord (so to speak). I'm not embarrassed about what I said; I meant it and at the time I needed to get it out of my system, never expecting any response.
Imagine my shock when I hear, not from the LAEB I was expecting, but from HB yesterday. This is *weeks* later. Perplexed isn't even the word for it. Motive? Who knows. I considered replying for about a minute, then I realised I had nothing left to say to him.
I'm done.

Give up the funk

I’ve been thinking a bit lately about that one person who has caused me so much angst and melancholia in the last few months. I call him HB, the heartbreaker. A few weeks ago I forced myself to cut off all contact with him and it truly felt like I had self eviscerated AND stabbed myself in the heart.

Overemotional? Exaggerated? Now that time has passed and it’s not so in-my-face, yes it does sound that way to me. But in that moment, it felt like the whole world had fallen down around me and that it would never get it back up again.

I don’t want to detail what happened, except that I was hurt. As much as I love social media, it is a nightmare when it comes to trying to avoid people.

In the last couple of days, I’ve somehow developed a new perspective on the situation.  I don’t understand what happened and most likely never will. While I still care (just slightly), it just doesn’t seem to bother me so much anymore. I think I am officially out of the funk. Hooray!

Random contacts

Given that it is Christmas Day and all, no doubt I will get a text / call / visit out of the blue from the LAEB who always seems to pop up at times like these. Today will bring one or more of the following:

a) a family crisis that he can't cope with;
b) been kicked out of wherever he's been living;
c) is depressed and 'just wants to talk';
d) thinks I should give him another shot;
e) wants money;
f) wants sex.

He still doesn't understand English as I've told him time and time again to delete my number and not contact me. The sneaky bugger keeps changing his number so I never know it is him calling either. *sigh*
Fingers crossed I'll be lucky and LAEB free today. And Boxing Day. Else if he does appear in any way today, hopefully it will be late enough that I'll be in full celebratory mode and he'll get a good piece of my mind.

'Pledge your undying love to me'

I was reading recently about that investment banker in NY who sent his 1^st date a 1600-odd word email as to why they should go out again. Read it here: http://www.observer.com/2011/12/new-york-investment-banker-sends-1615-word-email-re-you-leading-him-on-during-your-date-together/

Anyway, it reminded me of a single date that I went on with someone, Mr M. M and I had been chatting for a while via email & on the phone before we met in person. Meetings had been planned along the way but various events kept delaying the first date.  I was optimistic – he was intelligent, we had a lot in common, and he could string sentences together nicely which were all pluses. He also happened to be a few years older which was a dating first for me. For some reason, I had just ended up dating or being in relationships with younger guys.

So the time comes where we finally meet. It goes well. There isn’t any instant chemistry, but he looks like the picture he had sent me, the conversation is flowing, all seems well. Sent a text later thanking him for the date etc. I hear nothing. Until about a week later…

I receive an email from M. And it is epic. We are talking thesis worthy. I really wish I had saved it because it would honestly be up there with poor old Mike from New York’s email. The gist of it was:

-          he didn’t know why I hadn’t contacted him more promptly (hello, I did!)
-          he thought that I was too distracted during the date and ‘your mind seemed to be elsewhere’
-          apparently I didn’t make enough ‘extended’ eye contact with him
-          he felt that I had led him on in our prior conversations and therefore I should have been more ‘into him’ when we actually met
-          he thought there was a ‘future’ there, he had felt some sort of connection, and
-          he wanted to know what my feelings towards him were immediately because he wanted to start ‘planning’ (wtf??)

Whoa! Okay, this guy seemed to be nice and friendly and stable, not some odd strange person. So I responded with my own email. I was reasonable, succinct, and prompt. My take was that:

-          I (usually) only made extended eye contact with people I know relatively well. If I don’t know you, it’s just uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean a lack of interest.
-          Yes I was a bit distracted but I had recently lost my dog (which he knew about) and it was still playing on my mind quite a bit.
-          I didn’t know how I felt about him after only spending a couple of hours in his company, but I wasn’t *not* interested. If I didn’t think it was a goer, I would tell him so.
-          He needed to lighten up a bit.

Well, apparently he wasn’t happy with the fact that I hadn’t pledged my total interest in dating him immediately. He replied saying how I had somehow ‘ruined’ him; I had been his last shot at dating; and he was never going to trust anyone again. Ah okay, a little melodramatic perhaps? But then it got me thinking about my behaviour and had I sent the wrong message inadvertently? Hmm, no I hadn’t. I felt bad for M in that he really staked seemingly everything in one date but really, who does that? Hopefully he has now found someone that will stare at him for the required length of time.

No witty title here

I am feeling better about things. I'm not there, but I'm getting there.
That's all. Peace out.

Hi. It's been a while..

Yes it has been a while.

Trying to keep busy. Go out. Socialise. Not think about things. All the while feeling like the girl in this picture. I've been writing a lot the last few months, bits and pieces, some of it downright awful but it has helped a bit.

I don't know what's wrong with me this time. I am just in this funk that I can't seem to get out of. The last few months have been a bit turbulent, just lots of little pieces seemingly coming undone. I know there is one thing in particular that has probably been the catalyst for this. Frankly, I don't know how to work on this. I've tried a couple of tactics but I seem to be feeling worse than ever.

I've always been such a positive, pretty happy person and this is starting to scare me. This stuff should be resolved and I should be getting on with things but I'm not. I'm normally so rational and sensible and together and a pillar-of-strength for everyone else. It's making me wonder if there is something going wrong in my brain right now. And that terrifies the shit out of me.

Goddamn it, dating sucks

AS above.
I really don't know why I am putting myself through the wringer of online dating sometimes. So far, had a good to great response to my honest, talk-no-shit profile which stated exactly who I was and what I wasn't looking for (pretty clearly), broad brushstrokes of what I was looking for.

I had met someone awesome a while ago (who doesn't live closeby, not even the same state sadly) and hit it off. Emailing, texting, phone chats all great. Met in person, even better.

Everything seems to be great. Then almost out of the blue, it's all over. I understood some of the reasons that he gave but not others. I don't know what I did wrong. It really made my self esteem hit the floor, not that it was that high already. I just don't get it.

Why tell me what a great, nice, kind person I am if you then say you only want to know me as a friend? I feel hurt big time. Am I really just picking the wrong people? I used to be such a good judge of character.

People are s**t - an update

Sooo...
Had been in random contact with LAEB (loser-arsed ex boyfriend) who had wanted to be 'friends with benefits'. Hmm I said, not sure that would work for me, since I have actual feelings (unlike you clearly).
Eventually, after much much much discussion and him pestering me with text messages, he finally says he's not ready for a relationship (don't know what he considered the year or so we were together then) and he didn't think we should be FWB because 'you couldn't handle your emotions'. Great, should I feel sorry or apologetic for that? Don't think so. I confronted him about his online dating huge-lie-of-a-profile then, and he admitted he was only using it to get casual hookups.
How should I feel about this? On the one hand, I am glad that he finally had the balls to admit it to me, even though he went on to say that manipulating people is what he does and he feels 'too insecure' to commit to anybody. Flip side - I feel totally cheated and that I have wasted the past year of my life on a guy who was only after one thing. How can someone be such a blatant liar? He said he loved me. He asked me to go away with him, was OTT affectionate...
I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. It's LAEB birthday in 3 days. Do I even bother sending a 'happy birthday' text or  forget it?

Passion-less

Okay, so I am feeling slightly down at the moment but not depressed. I have come to realise that I have no passions in my life. Sure, I am always busy with work, my pets, my family and friends, but there is nothing that I get completely engrossed in and lose myself with, nothing that I am so passionate about that it could define me as 'who I am' rather than just 'nurse', 'sister', 'daughter' etc. An Oprah magazine caught my eye at the library on the weekend; one of the stories was about finding your true calling in life. And it got me thinking, what really is my calling? And why have I lost those little things that used to make me so happy as a kid - writing papers and books, poems, short stories, making up plays and collages... and can I get them back?

My Life Is Half Over, or Hooray, It's My 35th Birthday

Full of optimism, I woke up this morning of my 35th birthday and my first thought was that, if I am lucky and make it to 70-odd, I am halfway through my life. What a terrible thought.
I feel like I have accomplished so little. I am in a good, steady job and have purchased a property, am in relatively good health, have a loving family and friends who seem to care about me, so why do I feel so empty and unfulfilled? Maybe it is because I am on my own. Painfully so it seems at times. Yet another of my friends has gotten engaged. I am ambivalent about having kids so there is no desperate race on to find someone in order to procreate, but I admit it, I am sick of being lonely.
I don't have some huge & complicated list of criteria that I am looking for in someone, so why is it so hard???

People are s**t

Self explanatory title.
My last post, or the post before (can't remember) was about giving people second chances, or rather, thinking about whether someone deserved a second chance.
Well, silly me did just that, and sure enough, got my heart trampled on all over again. Not that I wasn't half expecting it, but it made me think about whether I am truly gulliable, or whether that's just what this person thinks. There has been not a lot of honesty on their part from the start (should I really be surprised at that?), and I don't know why I let myself be stood up so many times without a decent or even any explanation.
The fact that this person has continued the same caper despite swearing it wasn't true & making me think I was going crazy for even thinking it is suss beyond words. Doesn't even have the guts to ring me or even send me a decent text explaining anything. I just want a call / message / personal visit so I can vent my spleen and tell him what I really think of his shitty ways and why I won't ever see him again, no matter how much he begs.

Second Chances

Do people deserve a second chance? I am struggling with this one at the moment. Someone who wronged me (in a pretty shitty way imho) wants another go, and I am really torn as to whether I accept or not. I suspect my heart is going to get broken all over again, and I don't know if I could take that. I just don't know.

Books I Have Read in 2011

JANUARY
1. A Tiny Bit Marvellous - Dawn French (L)
2. The Romantic: Italian Nights and Days - Kate Holden (L)
3. Don't Tell Mum I Work On The Rigs, She Thinks I'm a Piano Player In A Whorehouse - Paul Carter (L)
4. From Dead To Worse - Charlaine Harris (B)
5. Dead and Gone - Charlaine Harris (B)
6. Dead In The Family - Charlaine Harris (B)
FEBRUARY
7. Preincarnate - Shaun Micallef (L)
8. True Grit - Charles Portis (L)
9. A Special Place - Peter Straub (L)
10. The Pact - Jodi Picoult (O)
MARCH
11. Full Dark, No Stars - Stephen King (L)
12. Nocturnes - Kazuo Ishiguro (L)
13. $#*! My Dad Says - Justin Halpern (O)
14. Work Your Wardrobe - Gok Wan (L)
APRIL
15. What Jane Austen Ate and Charles Dickens Knew: From Fox Hunting To Whist - the Facts of Daily Life in 19th-Century England - Daniel Pool (O)
MAY
16. The Complete Book of Rules: Time-tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr Right - Ellen Fein & Sherrie Schneider (O)
JUNE
17. Wishful Drinking - Carrie Fisher (B)
18. Belle de Jour's Guide To Men - Belle de Jour (O)
19. I Feel Bad About My Neck and Other Thoughts On Being A Woman - Nora Ephron (O)
20. Fallen - Lauren Kate (O)
21. Torment - Lauren Kate (O)
22. Passion - Lauren Kate (O)
23. Why Men Are Necessary and More News From Nowhere - Richard Glover (O)
JULY
24. Weirdly Beloved: Tales of Strange Bedfellows, Odd Couplings and Love Gone Bad - Cynthia Ceilan (O)
25. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy (O) [reading now]
26. The Man Who Loved Children - Margaret Stead (L) [reading now] ** crap book, given up! **
26. Addition - Toni Jordan (O)
AUGUST
27. Underbelly Razor - Larry Writer (O) [reading now]

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Okay, so I have *retired* this year's book list as my reading has died off in a big way secondary to various things. I have read only a couple of books since August, none of which were particularly memorable.
Onward the 2012 list.